Deidara's Attempt To Cook
by WelcomeToErebus
Summary: Deidara of the Akatsuki has decided to try out another art form, cooking! However, if he can't even pronounce spaghetti or learn how to turn on a stove, you can insure comedy! Crack fic, R&R please! Rating for slight language


This is the cheep, humorous result of yamimary's boredom, lack of homework, pixie sticks, some very strange inside jokes, and other things that I'm not in the mood to specify

This is the cheep, humorous result of yamimary's boredom, lack of homework, pixie sticks, some very strange inside jokes, and other things that I'm not in the mood to specify.

--

It started out innocent enough, thought the insane, misunderstood artist. Even his master suggested that he try something new instead of constantly using his precious puppets as target practice ever, what, FIVE SECONDS?!

"As long as it doesn't involve my puppets, or a game of 'Let's Annoy Sasori To The Grave... Again!' it's fine by me Deidara," spoke the slightly annoyed puppeteer as he screwed a handful of finger into his latest puppet, compliments of last week's trip to Six Flags, and an 'unfortunate' death of the victim via the Hall of Mirrors.

"Great, un! Now I can put this book to some good use now, yeah," exclaimed Deidara as he sprinted out of Sasori's 'emo dungeon' as he called it. "It's amazing that he can go all day sitting in the dark by himself, un," he often thought to himself, because he learned that saying things like that, no, saying ANYTHING at all would result in another 'art is a bang' versus 'art is eternal' argument, "Glad that I swiped this from Konoha during our last raid."

--

In the corner of the kitchen sat an apathetic as usual Uchiha Itachi, starting at the adjacent wall. Hm, it's like something was _actually_ going to happen if he didn't stare at that blank wall. What could he be thinking, "If I don't stare at the nothingness for at least one hour a day, a giant purple rhino singing Down with the Sickness is going to crash through the wall and steal our secret collection of ninja plushies." Most likely, though, he has nothing better to do, and thinks it makes him look cool. (Though the former idea would be pwnsome)

Well, in came an overly happy Deidara wearing a cook's puffy white hat that he stole from Hidan from his eBay days (He's a closet fan of Chef Emeral, don't doubt it). On his hands, he wore two oven mitts with little smiley faces where the mouths on his palms are supposed to be, and to top it off, he bore an apron with the words, 'Food Is A Bang!'

Itachi looked up with shocked eyes and an activated Mangekyo Sharingan. "What... in the name of Kyuubi's ass... are you wearing?" he asked disgusted. He then thought for a moment, _This can only mean one thing..._, "Deidara, are you attempting to cosplay as a Tokyo Mew Mew waitress?" he questioned, and Deidara went up in flames.

"I'M NO CROSS-DRESSER, UN!" he spat out, waving his arms in a comical fashion, "I've decided to attempt to make myself more useful around here and learn to cook!" He crossed his arms and glared at the Uchiha with his one eye, "And YOU are my taste tester!"

Itachi stood up and clutched the artist's throat, "No way in hell would I attempt to stomach your culinary experiments."

Obviously, Deidara had a back-up plan, because he was, well, Deidara. Lifting up a folder, he coughed, "Eat my food, un, or these pictures of you holding a baby Sasuke and a lollipop go on eBay, yeah!" In moments, Itachi was sitting down like a good serial killer with an enlarged bib around his neck. A few moments later, Sasori walked in, doing his best to hold back laughter. He walked up to the flummoxed n00B chef, and started to taunt him.

"You know, Deidara, if your food poisons the rest of the Akatsuki, not only will leader-sama be pissed off thanks to lack of work progress, but you will also be the one who scrubs my feet everyday," he said with that familiar, creepy smile of his. Deidara winced back twitching his eye, _No, ANYTHING but Sasori no Danna's feet, un. I bet they're termite infested, hm, _he thought to himself as he flicked through the thick book, 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Cooking'. He stopped on a seemingly easy looking page and read out loud, doing his best to pronounce the words.

"Ssssspaaaaaaa-geeeeee-teeeeee, un. Sasori no Danna, what is spageetee?" he asked dumbfounded.

The puppet smacked his face, quite annoyed by his fellow artist's ignorance, "It's pronounced 'spaghetti', infidel. Gimme that!" Sasori swiped the book, "I'll read the directions, you just do your little feminine work."

Deidara steamed, "Cooking isn't feminine, yeah!"

"Then why does Konan only cook on rare occasions, and why do we always order take-out? Hmmm (snaps fingers) Oh yeah! BECAUSE IT'S NOT OUR PURPOSE TO WORK IN A KITCHEN!"

"Just read the damn directions, un!"

-- (One painstaking hour later)

"That's WAY too much heat, Deidara!"

"I know what I'm doing, un!"

"No you don't! Hey, WASH YOUR DISGUSTING HANDS BEFORE TOUCHING THAT MEAT!"

"But they're in mitts, yeah!"

"So? I don't want your AIDS to get on my food!"

"Since when did I have AIDS, un?!"

"I'M KIDDING, JUST WATCH THAT BOILING WATER!"

--(Fifteen minutes later)

"BAKA! THE BOOK SAID PREHEAT! PPPRRREEEEEHHHEEEAAAATTTT!"

"Shut up dobe, un!"

"How are you supposed to eat this stuff without any sauce?!"

"I don't know, un! Maybe if you got some out instead of nagging me like some pull-string Barbie doll, we could get somewhere, hm!"

While fetching some ingredients and other necessities from the cupboard, along comes Tobi waltzing into the kitchen. "What's up guys! Oh, hi Deidara-sempai! Whatcha doing?"

Deidara looked over to see Tobi leaning over the pot, "Don't touch that, un, this has taken me hours to make!"

Meanwhile, Itachi was still sitting in the corner, horrified at his teammate's cooking skills. "Only a true idiot needs almost two hours to boil some noodles." Deidara defended himself, "HEY! I'm making rolls too, those take forever, un!" Itachi then said, "The box of pasta says ten minutes, and the rolls take twenty." "WHO ASKED YOU, UN?"

While those two were arguing over... noodles, Tobi got a wondrous idea. _Maybe if I raise the cooking temperature, it will cook faster, then Deidara-sempai will be proud of Tobi!_

Moments later, the kitchen exploded with wet, undercooked noodles and gobs of dough as Tobi blew back of seven feet, "WHOA! DO THAT AGAIN!"

"TTTOOOOOOOBIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!"

It took Deidara, Sasori and Tobi over another two hours to clean that poor unfortunate kitchen, "With that done, un, what should we do about the smell?" asked Deidara putting the broom away.

"I guess we could, uh, light some candles."

"Great, un, I guess I'll go ask Leader-sama how he wants his kitchen to smell"

Sasori laughed, "Right, that is THE manliest thing to do Deidara. Go up to the leader of the Akatsuki and ask, 'Say, leader-sama, do you want our kitchen to smell like Mountain Breeze or Fresh Linen? Or perhaps you'll favor a Gingerbread scent!'"

Deidara pouted, "I was going to suggest Summer Cantaloupe, but the first one doesn't sound that bad, un."

So what did we learn today guys? Never trust Deidara in a six mile radius of any kitchen, microwave, or Easy Bake Oven. Thank you, review please! Hey, maybe I'll make more of these!


End file.
